A trip to the playground with Mummy and Granny

We thought it would be nice for Zeph to try out his new shoes, so after feeding the ducks in the park we visited the little playground.

He loves swings.




"I can see Granny!"




These rope bridges really aren't meant for use by little people. I didn't drop him, though. (Just about!)




"Soos!"




Granny stops Zeph going to where the big kids are running about.




The only problem with his shoes is that they grip the slide rather too well!




Zeph heads off in a determined fashion.




He's aiming for bigger and better climbing frames!




He has so much fun on playground equipment, but his enthusiasm tends to outweigh his abilities. He'd better get plenty of practising in before the summer, since I want to take him here!

I forgot some things...

He also says...

cudda (cuddle)
ki' (kiss)
look (either triumphantly to show you something clever he's done, or demandingly when he needs you to reach a toy for him)
soo (shoe)

He can tell you what a wolf says too.

Zeph's fish impression



and his pirate one!

Oh, The Things Zeph Can Do!

At 14 months, Zeph is very verbal. He understands a lot more than he can say, but he uses quite a few words.
In approximate order of appearance -

panda
Mama
Dada
Gaggy (Granny)
Gaga (Grandpa)
CA! (cat)
DoG! (said just like that!)
gain (again)
caa (car)
cu' (cup - of water)
A-goo (thank you)
gook (book)
peese (please)
dink (drink - his cup of milk)
yea! & ess! (yes)
uh! - (up)
duck
oops!
uh-oh

He can tell you what a pirate, fish, dog and duck say.

Also, he can:

Crawl
Walk by cruising round the furniture
Take a few steps on his own
Find lost toys by looking under furniture
Look through books on his own, turning pages one at a time
Stack blocks
Fit a set of nesting beakers together
Feed himself with a spoon (not very well, though!)
Do pull-ups on the stairgate

The First Year

I can hardly believe that a whole year's gone by! In some ways it seems like no time at all since last Christmas, when Zeph was such a tiny wee baby, but it also feels like I've had him for ever. I love watching him grow and develop and learn, and I think he'll have a lovely time this Christmas, with so much to see and discover!

We tried to take a photo on the 18th of each month, although we sometimes forgot, so these pictures are a pretty good month-by-month look at Zeph through his first year.

Troll Baby!

Zeph's usually such a cute baby, but occasionally he manages to pull some very unattractive faces. I don't know if you remember those troll dolls that were really popular a while ago (and when I say 'a while', probably 20 years or so), but today Zeph ended up looking scarily like one!

To refresh your memory, a troll doll...



...and this was Zeph today.





See what I mean? Mind you, sometimes he's a cute little pixie instead.



Whichever, I still love him!

Hospital update

Zeph's appointment went well. When we got there he was weighed and measured, then after a short wait we were called in to see the paediatrician. She went over his medical history, discussed his feeding habits then she gave him a thorough examination.

The result of all this was that he is most likely fine! Apparently breastfed babies often grow slower at this point in their development and he may just be a small baby. She advised starting him on solids right away, which we were planning anyway, so last night he had his first try of proper food. (Well, I wouldn't count baby rice as proper food, but then I'm not a baby!)











Tomorrow we'll try him on puréed carrot and see how that goes!

In which Zeph is rather small, and also goes swimming for the first time

We have an appointment to take Zeph back to Sick Kids on Friday. His weight gain has never really been great. He regained his birth weight quickly enough, but since then he's had a steady but slow gain. A few weeks ago he didn't put on anything for a fortnight, put on double the amount the next two weeks and is now gaining very little. He's been really weird about feeding since he had a really nasty cold. Sometimes he refuses to feed from one side or the other, and this is leading me to have problems with my milk supply. The health visitor thinks that his slow gain is probably because he's a very active baby, but she and the doctor would like him to get a complete check at their clinic.
Other than that his development is fine. He's learned to roll from his front to his back, and tries really hard to roll the other way. He can pull himself up to a standing position and keep himself upright.

He's hugely social (like his daddy...) and makes friends wherever he goes - the parenting group at the clinic, the Rhymetime sessions at the library, everywhere! We meet up with the other mums from our antenatal class at least once a month, and Zeph is rather enamoured with Flora, the only girl born to the group. When we met a month ago Zeph was desperately trying to climb over to see her, stroking her arm and trying to hold her hand. She pulled back with a look of 'You're being a bit forward!' and Zeph turned his attentions to Flora's mother instead, holding her hand and 'talking' to her!


Today Chris had the day off work so we finally took the plunge (I'd apologise for the pun but I'm not at all sorry!) and took Zeph swimming for the first time. We were really unsure how he'd like it - he likes going in the bath with us, but that water is a lot warmer! Things were fine at first...



... but went rapidly downhill when the showers before the pool went cold. I think that even the most good-natured baby would scream at a strong jet of cold water in the face! Things didn't improve much when we got Zeph into the pool. The water wasn't very warm, and although he gradually stopped crying he soon started getting quite cold. When we noticed that his hands and arms were going grey we quickly got out of the pool and I went and stood under the (now nice and warm) showers with the boy to let him warm up. As he got dressed he fussed less and less, and while we were dressing he just lay on the nappy changing table, sucking his soother and giving us pointed looks!

I think we managed about ten minutes in the pool, which is probably enough for a first go, and we're going to try to take him swimming regularly. There's also parent and baby sessions too, which might be fun.

I'll post an update after his hospital appointment.

How Zeph arrived and other stories

Apparently when I said 'I promise there'll be more frequent updates!' I lied!
So, to the story at hand...

On the morning of Monday 16th we had to go to the hospital for various checks to make sure that both baby and placeta were ok despite being two weeks overdue. We had a foetal heart trace done, plus an ultrasound to see the placenta and cord. Everything looked good, and the consultant advised us to go ahead with induction then on the basis that we might as well do it while there's no problems.

About 4pm I has the first dose of prostaglandin gel, which caused fairly mild contractions all night, another dose the next morning and another half-dose later that afternoon. The gel was having an effect - I was starting to dilate. By Tuesday evening, the contractions were getting very painful, especially round the left side of my back and the baby's heartbeat was worrying the doctor. I went to the delivery room where they broke my waters, and found a lot of meconium there. I also needed a drip as I'd been throwing up all day and was getting very dehydrated. I was in a lot of pain by this point, couldn't sit or lie down and was too exhausted to stand up any more, so when I was offered an epidural I decided to take it, especially since I was told that the baby had turned back-to-back which is why it was hurting so much, and that they wanted me to have a syntocinon drip. Apparently I needed to be contracting harder to get Zeph round the right way to be born, and I know I couldn't have coped with that amount of pain. I dozed for a few hours, and was ready to push by 11.30 the next morning. It was really difficult, though, because I had so little feeling, and after an hour of pushing I still couldn't get his head out. The doctor was getting really concerned about the baby and had a surgeon and anaesthetist in the room just in case. I ended up delivering him myself with the help of Chris and several midwives supporting my legs and two midwives using a kiwi (mini suction device) on his head, plus an episiotomy.
He wasn't moving much when he was born, and wasn't making any noise, so Chris got to quickly cut the cord before Zeph was rushed out to have his airways suctioned. They were concerned about him breathing the meconium but it seems to be ok.

It was so weird seeing him come out of me - he looked too big to have fitted in there! We had to stay in hospital for three nights, partly because he hadn't had a wet nappy in over two days and the staff were worried that he might have a kidney or bladder problem. The paediatricians took blood samples to check that he wasn't dehydrated and had a lot of trouble getting any blood out of him. He had needle marks all over the backs of his hands.
He eventually had a couple of wees - the first one was like Niagara Falls! We were allowed to go home on Saturday afternoon on the basis that we'd bring him back for further tests on Monday if he didn't start weeing more but he's been weeing fine ever since (in his own face twice one day... ).

You know the weirdest thing? All this hasn't put me off wanting another baby in a couple of years!

Here we are, a few minutes after he was born.

Zephram Arthur Anderson, born 18th November 2009 at 12.42pm, weighing 9lb2.



Oh, and the proudest new daddy in the world!

Here we go again!

Well, I guess ovulation testing works - I was using two different methods and we managed to conceive the the first month of properly trying. I thought I might be pregnant because my boobs were really sore, and my body temperature was still slightly raised, basically, all of the symptoms they tell you to watch for. I didn't want to do the test, though. I couldn't bear to be disappointed, and I didn't really think we could get lucky enough to make another baby. I felt like we'd used our only chance and that nothing was going to go right ever again.
We talked until late one night and decided to do a test first thing the next morning. I lay awake most of the night, and at about 4am gave up and went to do the test there and then. I was so sure it was going to be negative, and couldn't believe it when the second pink line appeared. I had to call Chris to come and see. I thought I'd relax then, but of course that wasn't going to happen. I couldn't bring myself to believe that it would be ok this time, and nearly drove myself crazy looking up all of the statistics on various types of miscarriage.

My doctor began testing the hormone levels in my blood. That was fine for the first couple of weeks, but then one result came back lower than we'd expected. The midwife said that it was probably fine that the levels had started to increase slower than before, but I was so worried that she got me booked in for an early scan. I was a complete nervous wreck before the scan, because I was so sure that the scan was going to show the same as last time, an embryo that wasn't developing.

The sonographer was very nice, and said that she'd tell us what was happening as soon as possible. It seemed like she was looking for hours, but it can't have been mre than 30 seconds before she said "Well, there's two things you need to know - there's an embryo and it has a good strong heartbeat."
I couldn't believe it at first, until she showed us the screen and we saw the little beating heart for ourselves, and saw a little arm waving.



I calmed down a bit after that, and I told my colleagues at work. I hated telling people, though. It felt like jinxing things. (I still get like that, I have some forms to fill in and send off to join clubs for getting free baby stuff and I keep putting that off.)

I was slightly calmer for the 12-week dating scan. Chris couldn't come to that one as he couldn't get off work, which was a shame. The embryo had changed so much in just three weeks.



You can see arms and legs, and the umbilical cord, but what surprised me so much was the difference in the shape of the head, from a disproportionately big lumpy thing to a proper head shape where you could see the forehead, nose, chin and so on.

My bump popped out very suddenly, which was a surprise! It appeared over the space of an evening, becoming a very definite bump. Since then it's grown pretty quickly - a lot of people assume I'm a month or so further on than I am, but I think the growth might slow down a bit soon.

Chris made sure he had the time off work for the 20-week anomaly scan. It was the first time he got to see the baby looking like, well, a baby! I was quite nervous, but not too bad, but he was so excited. Chris got to see a lot more of the baby than I did, as he could see the screen from where he was sitting while the sonographer did all the checks. I was mostly watching Chris throughout the scan, enjoying seeing the look on his face. He says that he got to see the baby's face, and it was opening and closing its mouth! I'm kinda jealous that he got to see more of it than I did, but then I suppose I get to feel it move.



It looks so big compared with last time! I also now know that what I thought were movements definitely are - I'd been feeling them in a particular place, on the lower left, and at the scan that was the way round the baby was lying. It seems to change position pretty frequently, though. Recently I've been getting kicked straight down onto my bladder, which is fun...
It's really reassuring feeling all the movements. Chris can't wait until he can feel them too. He hugs my stomach and strokes it, and talks to the baby, which is sweet. :)

I promise there'll be more frequent updates!

End of part one

I've been wanting to update here for quite a while, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
The ERPC went as well as could be expected. The hospital staff were all very kind and helpful, and the aftereffects of the procedure didn't last very long. The mental effects lasted a lot longer, though. I cried most of the time for days, and a lot of the time for quite a while afterwards. I started having panic attacks too. I was shaking almost continuously and was terrified of everything. It was good that we had the holiday in Australia, but I felt so bad about going, like I was abandoning Tadpole, leaving him behind.
Dammit, I'm crying again just writing this...

We started trying again as soon as physically possible but it took a long time for my periods to come back - about three months. It's probably a good thing that I didn't get pregnant again too soon, though. I think we needed healing time.

I guess that's the end of part one. Now on to the future.

Follow-up

Chris and I talked about the possible options to clear my womb, and I did some reading on this messageboard.

I don't want to wait until I lose it naturally, and if I have an induced miscarriage there's still a 5% chance of needing a D&C afterwards, which isn't a good idea considering that we're flying to Australia in a week and a half.

I called the hospital today and booked in to have the D&C on Monday morning. I feel horrible about it. It's like I'm giving them permission to take my baby away.

It's all gone wrong

We had the scan today. I was so scared, but I was trying to convince myself that I was worrying about nothing.
The sonographer looked really thoroughly, but couldn't find a baby. It looks like the baby stopped developing at about six weeks, before it even had a heartbeat. Everything else kept growing, which is why I was still having symptoms. I think that's what makes it worse - if only I could have miscarried at the point when it stopped, rather than giving me hope for four more weeks.

Tomorrow I need to phone the hospital to arrange for my D&C.

I can't stop crying.

First Midwife Appointment

Well, last Thursday we went to see the midwife. She's very nice and competent and answered all our questions. She also took about half of my blood and got me to wee in a pot again.
She'd already got us our scan appointment made, although it's at St John's rather than the hospital we planned to use - they could give us an appointment two weeks earlier. We want to be reassured before we fly halfway round the world! Chris asked her a lot of things, to the point where he was worried that he was asking too much, but he was just checking the things that I would have done had I remembered...

I'm so scared. Every time that I hear of someone losing a baby I become sure that I'll lose mine too. I have to wait until the 23rd to know that it's all ok.

Appointments and updates

Ok, I know I said I'd post after my doctor's appointment, but I forgot - my brain is like mince recently!
The doctor was very nice, and told me off for doing too many home pregnancy tests. He asked if I'd done one, I told him that I'd done four, he said "Why do you women always do that?".
When I said that Chris has told me not to do any more the doctor suggested buying champagne with the money instead!

He then said that, even though I'd done all those home tests, I still needed to supply a pot of wee for their official test....

I handed that in, and phoned the surgery on Monday. They confirmed that I am pregnant, (I know, what a surprise!) so I went in a few days later to fill out the booking form for the midwives. It was a tiny little form, and then they gave me a huge thick envelope of things to read - yay!


The thing is, even though I have no reason to think that anything's gone wrong, I can't stop worrying. My problem is that I think too much about possibilities. I hear about one woman who had her baby die in the womb, but who didn't find out until her 12 week scan, so of course I go Googling, then discover that actually it's quite common. Now I don't want to think about the embryo as a baby, because then I'll get attached to it and I think something will go wrong.

Every time I tell somebody else about the pregnancy I think I might be jinxing it, that each new person who knows is someone else to get upset when this doesn't work. I almost wish we hadn't told anyone until I'd had a scan.

One of my colleagues only found out she was pregnant at 16 weeks. She missed a lot of the excitement, but also a hell of a lot of worrying. I can't decide whether or not I'm jealous.

Freaking out

Ths morning I had some brown spotting which really worried me, even though it was just a tiny bit. There was a little bit more during the day, but it seems to have stopped now.
I did some online research, and apparently it's very common in early pregnancy, and doesn't usually mean there's any problem, but that doesn't stop me freaking out and obsessively checking my knickers.

I finally phoned my doctors' surgery and explained that I was pregnant and didn't know who I should be making an appointment to see. The receptionist said that I should probably start by seeing a doctor, and managed to find me an appointment for Thursday afternoon.

I'm really nervous. I'm scared that the doctor will say I'm not really pregnant (Yes, I know - despite the sickness, huge boobs and four positive tests...) or that the things I did before knowing I had conceived might have hurt the baby. The week before my period was due I had alcohol, pate, blue cheese, antihistamine tablets and a tiny bit of hash. (Not all at the same time!)

I'll post tomorrow once I've been for my appointment.

Symptoms

It looks like things are progressing well, if unpleasant symptoms are anything to go by.
As I said in my previous post, I had huge boobs from the week before my period was due, and the day I was expecting my period (Monday) I started feeling sick on the bus. By Wednesday I was feeling queasy all evening, which was when Chris asked when I
was due. I said that I was three days overdue so we decided to do the test the next morning.

Even having done two tests I've still been paranoid about all this being wishful thinking.
I've been consistently queasy since then, plus feeling faint, having less energy, and being really tired, which is probably to do with not being able to bloody sleep! I'm all twitchy and restless,and can't drop off until 2 or 3 a.m.
One of the worst things is not being able to tell people - I can't explain why I've been a bit crap at work, I had to lie to my samba friends at the weekend about why I wasn't drinking alcohol.

I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to find out what I need to do about making a first appointment, whether it's with the doctor, nurse or midwife.

Oh, and I did a third test this evening. Even with it not being first-thing-in-the-morning wee, the line appeared instantly, so I think my hormone levels must be increasing. :)

!!!!!!!!

Followed the next morning by this.




So, it looks like I conceived on our second attempt. I stll can't believe it -somehow, even though we were trying to get me pregnant, now that it's happened I'm really shocked.
I only did the test after Chris suggested it. I'd been feeling really nauseous for a couple of evenings, and my boobs are enormous, so when Chris found out that my period was three days late he thought I should do the traditional peeing-on-a-stick.

He was still asleep, so there I was, sitting on the lid of the toilet and staring at this little piece of plastic. I'd been trying so hard not to get my hopes up and had pretty much convinced myself that there'd be no second line. I went through and woke Chris up, waving a little wee-ey stick in his face and asking him if he could see two lines too. He was a lot less surprised than me, and very happy.

We're not telling anyone yet. I'm really paranoid about something going wrong. I read all the statistics about how many pregnancies succeed and think that there's no way I'm going to be one of the lucky ones.

We'll probably tell people if things are still going well in a couple of months.

Trying

We've done a lot of 'practising' this month. I'm glad I've quit smoking, since that apparently halves the chance of conception.
I suppose I'll just have to wait now.

Here we go!

Yesterday was our third wedding anniversary, and also D-Day. ('D' for doom? Maybe it should be 'T' for terrified, or 'W' for What-the-hell-are-we-thinking?)

Deciding that it would be a good time to start actively trying to get me pregnant seemed like a perfectly fine plan a few months ago when we made the decision, but May 28th came around horrifyingly fast!

I spent the last few days getting progressively more and more panicky, to the point where I wasn't sure that I'd even be relaxed enough for the necessary activity to take place. A vodka and orange helped a bit, though...

The thing is, now that we've taken the plunge, a lot of the worrying seems to have gone away. Knowing that there's a possibility, no matter how small, that I could have already conceived has made me feel a lot more laid-back about the whole thing, and now I just want to get on with it.


Every now and then I think about all the things that I could be doing, that would be more difficult with a baby, and wonder whether I'm missing out on something, but those things, like going clubbing all the time, getting drunk a lot, going abroad for holidays - they're not things that I do or did anyway.
The things I do like to do, such as samba, going to occasional gigs, sometimes going to Glastonbury, spending time with friends, are all perfectly feasible with a baby.
There's no point in worrying that I'm not living someone else's life, especially when it's not a life I'd like.

More drugs

I'm nearly through the second week of coming off the drugs, and it's going ok. I'm down to half my previous dosage, so after another week or so I'll be off them altogether.
I'm planning to quit smoking at the end of the month. I'll have emotional support since one of my best friends is quitting then too, which will help, I hope!

With any luck we'll start trying to get me pregnant then.
Currently I'm more excited than panicky, but it fluctuates.