Tuesday, 29 January 2008


I keep panicking that having a baby is the wrong thing for me to do. I'm such a screwup in so many ways that it seems cruel for some poor child to have to have me as a mother.
I know that Chris will be a great dad. Those people who had an abusive parent seem to go one of two ways. Either they think that the way they were treated was normal, and so will go on to treat their children the same way or they know that their parent was not a good parent and will go out of their way to be the complete opposite. I can see him being a very hands-on sort of father, much like my dad was and still is.
I don't know if that will be enough to make up for me. I have problems with organising myself. I panic if my routine or plans get disrupted. I need to regularly have time by myself or I get very twitchy.
How will I ever manage having a baby around?

For a long time I thought that I would grow up, or something, and that then I'd be ready to be a mum. Now I suspect that I was wrong, and that maybe having a baby will be the thing to change me.
However, the idea of changing scares me a lot. I don't know if it will change me in an real way - maybe I'll still be me, but more me, if that makes sense.

Perhaps the only thing to do is to just jump right into it.

Friday, 18 January 2008

Here goes...

I've been worrying for years about whether I'd ever feel ready to have a baby. I always wanted a family, but thought that I wouldn't want to restrict myself. I like staying up late talking online, reading as much as I want to, going out by myself. I like going clubbing too, although we don't do that often. I talked to my mum about my worries, and she said that I'd know when I was ready. At the time, we were still living in a freezing, damp council flat and I was the only one earning. The time really wasn't right for us to try for a baby.
Recently I've been getting very broody, and for the last few months or so Chris has too, more so than me.
Last Friday night I got really upset about my worries, and Chris and I talked about it. The result of all that discussion was that we should start trying to get me pregnant this summer. We think that now the time is right.

I need to stop smoking and, to be honest, I quite like having a reason to quit. Recently I'm finding that I dislike the smell and taste more and more.
I went to see my doctor, and it turns out that I'm going to have to stop taking the antidepressants I'm on, which worries me slightly, and stop taking the drugs that control my migraines, which worries me a lot more. I may find that I still have only a few migraines, but I'm terrified of having a migraine-induced stroke, which is a vague possibility.

The current plan is for me to start cutting down on cigarettes, and to start using patches soon. I'm going to stop taking the Pill in March or so, to give my periods time to settle down, and come off the other two drugs in May.
Hopefully, we can start trying to get me pregnant in June.
I'm nervous, but very excited.