Freakout

I keep panicking that having a baby is the wrong thing for me to do. I'm such a screwup in so many ways that it seems cruel for some poor child to have to have me as a mother.
I know that Chris will be a great dad. Those people who had an abusive parent seem to go one of two ways. Either they think that the way they were treated was normal, and so will go on to treat their children the same way or they know that their parent was not a good parent and will go out of their way to be the complete opposite. I can see him being a very hands-on sort of father, much like my dad was and still is.
I don't know if that will be enough to make up for me. I have problems with organising myself. I panic if my routine or plans get disrupted. I need to regularly have time by myself or I get very twitchy.
How will I ever manage having a baby around?

For a long time I thought that I would grow up, or something, and that then I'd be ready to be a mum. Now I suspect that I was wrong, and that maybe having a baby will be the thing to change me.
However, the idea of changing scares me a lot. I don't know if it will change me in an real way - maybe I'll still be me, but more me, if that makes sense.

Perhaps the only thing to do is to just jump right into it.