Thursday, 25 September 2008


Chris and I talked about the possible options to clear my womb, and I did some reading on this messageboard.

I don't want to wait until I lose it naturally, and if I have an induced miscarriage there's still a 5% chance of needing a D&C afterwards, which isn't a good idea considering that we're flying to Australia in a week and a half.

I called the hospital today and booked in to have the D&C on Monday morning. I feel horrible about it. It's like I'm giving them permission to take my baby away.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

It's all gone wrong

We had the scan today. I was so scared, but I was trying to convince myself that I was worrying about nothing.
The sonographer looked really thoroughly, but couldn't find a baby. It looks like the baby stopped developing at about six weeks, before it even had a heartbeat. Everything else kept growing, which is why I was still having symptoms. I think that's what makes it worse - if only I could have miscarried at the point when it stopped, rather than giving me hope for four more weeks.

Tomorrow I need to phone the hospital to arrange for my D&C.

I can't stop crying.

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

First Midwife Appointment

Well, last Thursday we went to see the midwife. She's very nice and competent and answered all our questions. She also took about half of my blood and got me to wee in a pot again.
She'd already got us our scan appointment made, although it's at St John's rather than the hospital we planned to use - they could give us an appointment two weeks earlier. We want to be reassured before we fly halfway round the world! Chris asked her a lot of things, to the point where he was worried that he was asking too much, but he was just checking the things that I would have done had I remembered...

I'm so scared. Every time that I hear of someone losing a baby I become sure that I'll lose mine too. I have to wait until the 23rd to know that it's all ok.

Friday, 29 August 2008

Appointments and updates

Ok, I know I said I'd post after my doctor's appointment, but I forgot - my brain is like mince recently!
The doctor was very nice, and told me off for doing too many home pregnancy tests. He asked if I'd done one, I told him that I'd done four, he said "Why do you women always do that?".
When I said that Chris has told me not to do any more the doctor suggested buying champagne with the money instead!

He then said that, even though I'd done all those home tests, I still needed to supply a pot of wee for their official test....

I handed that in, and phoned the surgery on Monday. They confirmed that I am pregnant, (I know, what a surprise!) so I went in a few days later to fill out the booking form for the midwives. It was a tiny little form, and then they gave me a huge thick envelope of things to read - yay!

The thing is, even though I have no reason to think that anything's gone wrong, I can't stop worrying. My problem is that I think too much about possibilities. I hear about one woman who had her baby die in the womb, but who didn't find out until her 12 week scan, so of course I go Googling, then discover that actually it's quite common. Now I don't want to think about the embryo as a baby, because then I'll get attached to it and I think something will go wrong.

Every time I tell somebody else about the pregnancy I think I might be jinxing it, that each new person who knows is someone else to get upset when this doesn't work. I almost wish we hadn't told anyone until I'd had a scan.

One of my colleagues only found out she was pregnant at 16 weeks. She missed a lot of the excitement, but also a hell of a lot of worrying. I can't decide whether or not I'm jealous.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Freaking out

Ths morning I had some brown spotting which really worried me, even though it was just a tiny bit. There was a little bit more during the day, but it seems to have stopped now.
I did some online research, and apparently it's very common in early pregnancy, and doesn't usually mean there's any problem, but that doesn't stop me freaking out and obsessively checking my knickers.

I finally phoned my doctors' surgery and explained that I was pregnant and didn't know who I should be making an appointment to see. The receptionist said that I should probably start by seeing a doctor, and managed to find me an appointment for Thursday afternoon.

I'm really nervous. I'm scared that the doctor will say I'm not really pregnant (Yes, I know - despite the sickness, huge boobs and four positive tests...) or that the things I did before knowing I had conceived might have hurt the baby. The week before my period was due I had alcohol, pate, blue cheese, antihistamine tablets and a tiny bit of hash. (Not all at the same time!)

I'll post tomorrow once I've been for my appointment.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008


It looks like things are progressing well, if unpleasant symptoms are anything to go by.
As I said in my previous post, I had huge boobs from the week before my period was due, and the day I was expecting my period (Monday) I started feeling sick on the bus. By Wednesday I was feeling queasy all evening, which was when Chris asked when I
was due. I said that I was three days overdue so we decided to do the test the next morning.

Even having done two tests I've still been paranoid about all this being wishful thinking.
I've been consistently queasy since then, plus feeling faint, having less energy, and being really tired, which is probably to do with not being able to bloody sleep! I'm all twitchy and restless,and can't drop off until 2 or 3 a.m.
One of the worst things is not being able to tell people - I can't explain why I've been a bit crap at work, I had to lie to my samba friends at the weekend about why I wasn't drinking alcohol.

I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to find out what I need to do about making a first appointment, whether it's with the doctor, nurse or midwife.

Oh, and I did a third test this evening. Even with it not being first-thing-in-the-morning wee, the line appeared instantly, so I think my hormone levels must be increasing. :)

Thursday, 31 July 2008



Followed the next morning by this.


So, it looks like I conceived on our second attempt. I stll can't believe it -somehow, even though we were trying to get me pregnant, now that it's happened I'm really shocked.
I only did the test after Chris suggested it. I'd been feeling really nauseous for a couple of evenings, and my boobs are enormous, so when Chris found out that my period was three days late he thought I should do the traditional peeing-on-a-stick.

He was still asleep, so there I was, sitting on the lid of the toilet and staring at this little piece of plastic. I'd been trying so hard not to get my hopes up and had pretty much convinced myself that there'd be no second line. I went through and woke Chris up, waving a little wee-ey stick in his face and asking him if he could see two lines too. He was a lot less surprised than me, and very happy.

We're not telling anyone yet. I'm really paranoid about something going wrong. I read all the statistics about how many pregnancies succeed and think that there's no way I'm going to be one of the lucky ones.

We'll probably tell people if things are still going well in a couple of months.

Thursday, 19 June 2008


We've done a lot of 'practising' this month. I'm glad I've quit smoking, since that apparently halves the chance of conception.
I suppose I'll just have to wait now.

Friday, 30 May 2008

Here we go!

Yesterday was our third wedding anniversary, and also D-Day. ('D' for doom? Maybe it should be 'T' for terrified, or 'W' for What-the-hell-are-we-thinking?)

Deciding that it would be a good time to start actively trying to get me pregnant seemed like a perfectly fine plan a few months ago when we made the decision, but May 28th came around horrifyingly fast!

I spent the last few days getting progressively more and more panicky, to the point where I wasn't sure that I'd even be relaxed enough for the necessary activity to take place. A vodka and orange helped a bit, though...

The thing is, now that we've taken the plunge, a lot of the worrying seems to have gone away. Knowing that there's a possibility, no matter how small, that I could have already conceived has made me feel a lot more laid-back about the whole thing, and now I just want to get on with it.

Every now and then I think about all the things that I could be doing, that would be more difficult with a baby, and wonder whether I'm missing out on something, but those things, like going clubbing all the time, getting drunk a lot, going abroad for holidays - they're not things that I do or did anyway.
The things I do like to do, such as samba, going to occasional gigs, sometimes going to Glastonbury, spending time with friends, are all perfectly feasible with a baby.
There's no point in worrying that I'm not living someone else's life, especially when it's not a life I'd like.

Sunday, 18 May 2008

More drugs

I'm nearly through the second week of coming off the drugs, and it's going ok. I'm down to half my previous dosage, so after another week or so I'll be off them altogether.
I'm planning to quit smoking at the end of the month. I'll have emotional support since one of my best friends is quitting then too, which will help, I hope!

With any luck we'll start trying to get me pregnant then.
Currently I'm more excited than panicky, but it fluctuates.

Sunday, 4 May 2008


I've been back to the doctor a couple of times now. He confirmed that I definitely can't take either of my medicines while pregnant, for the first three months especially.
We discussed how I should come off the drugs, to best reduce withdrawal. I'm going to do it quite slowly. Week one - alternate days of a whole pill and a half one. Week 2 - half a pill each day. Week 3 - half a pill every second day. I'll do the same for my anti-migraine drug. I have a prescription for capsules of half of my usual dosage.
I'm kind of nervous about stoppping takng them, but it's got to be done.

Since I stopped the Pill my periods have been very regular, and there's been regular signs of ovulation too.

I keep having panics about whether I'm ready, about how I'm going to cope with a baby when I don't feel that I can cope with me...
I'm also freaking out about how it'll affect my body. I've never yet managed to look slim, and I'm worrying that now never will, and then I feel horrible and vain.
Logically, I know that I've started exercising now, and that I can still exercise once I'm pregnant. Doesn't stop me worrying, though.

We're still on track for starting trying on our anniversary (May 28th). I'm scared, but feeling better about it than I was.

Saturday, 23 February 2008

More Quitting News

I haven't tried the patches again, but I have been cutting down on the amount I smoke from my previous 10-12 a day. I smoked 7 on Monday, 7 on Tuesday, 5 on Wednesday, 6 on Thursday and 7 today.
Since I'm finding that I'm managing fine with smoking less, the thought of completely quitting isn't scaring me as much.

In other news, I've been having certain... 'signs' that lead me to think that I'm ovulating. Much as I want to, I can't take advantage of that at the moment, but it's nice to know that things seem functional.

Dammit, I want to start trying now...

Friday, 15 February 2008

Patch Problems

Ok, the patches didn't work so well...
The instructions say to start with the 'stage 1' patch, and stay with that for eight weeks. However, there's a problem with that. I smoke, usually, about 10 cigarettes a day, totalling 8mg of nicotine. The stage 1 patches contain 15mg released over 16 hours.
After a couple of hours wearing the patch I was light-headed, nauseous and feeling generally horrible. I've now bought the stage 2 patches, which have only 10mg.
I know that you're meant to set a quit date, on which day you get rid of all your cigarettes, lighters, etc. but the idea of making that much of a change in one go freaks me out.
What I'm going to try is putting the patch on in the afternoon, so I only have to not smoke for a few hours at first, during a time when I'm often busy and distracted anyway.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008


Well, I'm wearing a patch just now - I put it on a few minutes ago. I feel so nervous about stopping smoking. I think that part of me doesn't want to stop. I've got my drawer of baby things, though, and I've been going to look at them to remind me of why I need to quit.
I didn't take the Pill last night either. I've got my period at the moment, so it seemed like a good time to stop, as I was going to stop at the end of this month anyway.

Monday, 11 February 2008

On Schedule

I suppose things are going to plan so far. I bought nicotine replacements patches today, and I'm going to try one when I get in from work tomorrow. I got a bit freaked out by the idea of stopping smoking - I don't really know why. I think it might be because 1) I don't like change (although, surprisingly, thinking about actually having a baby doesn't, and that's a big change) and 2) it makes me feel kind of rebellious, even though I know that smoking doesn't make me like that anyway. I'm rationalising it to myself by thinking that I only have to stop smoking while I'm pregnant and breastfeeding, so if I really want to I can start again after that, not that I think I will.
I think I'll stop taking the Pill now. I'm having a period at the moment, so I might as well.
I need to start exercising too. I'm really not happy with my body, and the idea of never looking good in a bikini is very depressing, so I thought that if I lose weight and get toned up before getting pregnant there might be some chance of not looking too bad after. Anyway, all those models, actresses etc manage to look good after having a baby. I know that they have nannies and personal trainers, but I figure that I can still do something.

Tuesday, 29 January 2008


I keep panicking that having a baby is the wrong thing for me to do. I'm such a screwup in so many ways that it seems cruel for some poor child to have to have me as a mother.
I know that Chris will be a great dad. Those people who had an abusive parent seem to go one of two ways. Either they think that the way they were treated was normal, and so will go on to treat their children the same way or they know that their parent was not a good parent and will go out of their way to be the complete opposite. I can see him being a very hands-on sort of father, much like my dad was and still is.
I don't know if that will be enough to make up for me. I have problems with organising myself. I panic if my routine or plans get disrupted. I need to regularly have time by myself or I get very twitchy.
How will I ever manage having a baby around?

For a long time I thought that I would grow up, or something, and that then I'd be ready to be a mum. Now I suspect that I was wrong, and that maybe having a baby will be the thing to change me.
However, the idea of changing scares me a lot. I don't know if it will change me in an real way - maybe I'll still be me, but more me, if that makes sense.

Perhaps the only thing to do is to just jump right into it.

Friday, 18 January 2008

Here goes...

I've been worrying for years about whether I'd ever feel ready to have a baby. I always wanted a family, but thought that I wouldn't want to restrict myself. I like staying up late talking online, reading as much as I want to, going out by myself. I like going clubbing too, although we don't do that often. I talked to my mum about my worries, and she said that I'd know when I was ready. At the time, we were still living in a freezing, damp council flat and I was the only one earning. The time really wasn't right for us to try for a baby.
Recently I've been getting very broody, and for the last few months or so Chris has too, more so than me.
Last Friday night I got really upset about my worries, and Chris and I talked about it. The result of all that discussion was that we should start trying to get me pregnant this summer. We think that now the time is right.

I need to stop smoking and, to be honest, I quite like having a reason to quit. Recently I'm finding that I dislike the smell and taste more and more.
I went to see my doctor, and it turns out that I'm going to have to stop taking the antidepressants I'm on, which worries me slightly, and stop taking the drugs that control my migraines, which worries me a lot more. I may find that I still have only a few migraines, but I'm terrified of having a migraine-induced stroke, which is a vague possibility.

The current plan is for me to start cutting down on cigarettes, and to start using patches soon. I'm going to stop taking the Pill in March or so, to give my periods time to settle down, and come off the other two drugs in May.
Hopefully, we can start trying to get me pregnant in June.
I'm nervous, but very excited.